That’s right, in the holiday spirit we are handing out gifts to both the teams who truly need them and some who may not really need them, but sure would appreciate them. Let’s get started. Team: Gift as format in case you get confused.
The New York Knicks: LeBron James
Well, they will have to wait until the summer to open this present but what a present it will be. LeBron has alreadysuggested that he will change his number next year so it is fitting that he just might change jerseys as well. LeBron has always loved New York and with how the Cavs look so far this year, his incentive to stay with a winning team will be diminshed. “Now starting at any position you want him to, Number 6, Leeeeeebronnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Jaaaaaammmmmmmesssssssss!” Get used to it New York, and maybe he will come with Championship rings down the road.
The New Jersey Nets: A Win
Well this did not have to wait until Christmas, but they wouldn’t mind opening up another few of these wins before the end of the season. But like alcohol, the Nets will be responsible in opening up wins in hopes of getting superstar-in-the-making John Wall.
The Indiana Pacers: A Trade of Troy Murphy
Please, for the love of God move him Indiana. I do not care about his numbers. He cannot guard anyone, cannot get offensive boards (because he is always at the 3 point line), and even though he stretches the floor, he has the same number of post moves as Kwame Brown as said by Stephen A. Smith. He is like Charlie Villanueva, and Al Harrington. They have unique and refined skill sets, but their lack of defense and, at times, toughness inside kills their teams.
Major League Baseball: A Salary Cap
Just kidding it will never happen even if it would be good for the sport. I do not want to rant, but please, to whoever takes over for Bud Selig, take it into consideration.
Tiger Woods: An Untraceable, Unrecordable, Cell Phone
Oops, too late.
Brad Childress: A Quarterback who will not undermine him
Wow, too late for that too. I guess when you handpick the guy it is kind of hard to undo.
The Denver Broncos: Consistency
Well, this one is easier said than done, but it has to start with a few more consistent players on the offensive line and in the linebacking corps. December has once again put its finger down Denver’s throat and they are gagging again. With a little consistency this could be a perennial playoff team with chances to win playoff games, but for now they are just another above average team.
Chicago Bears Fans: A Hug
Man, they need one right now. SI had them in the Super Bowl, but lately all they have been doing is makin
g a case for most disappointing team of recent memory in football. Their offensive line is as efficient as a Rube Goldberg experiment, their QB is as reckless as Ron Artest after getting a beer thrown at him, and their defense is as soft as AdamMorrison’s moustache. They do almost nothing right on either side of the ball and it shows. They receivers, for the most part, are not good route runners. and Jay Cutler, apparently oblivious to this, keeps trying to force the ball into exact spots. The problem is that if the routes are not being run right exact becomes a very fluid term. I would write a “Fixing the Chicago Bears” article, but there is only so much time in the world. This hug goes out to Chicago. And as a side note to them, DRAFT AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN OR TERRENCE CODY.
Basketball Fans: A Brown Paper Bag (so they can deal with the excitement and anxiety of 2010’s Free Agents)
This one could get out of hand. Wade to Chicago looks likely, Bosh to who knows where, LeBron to New York, Joe Johnson to who knows where, Amare to somewhere with a lesser PG than Nash, and the list goes on. Basketball fans will be hyperventilating within the first week either about the potential of their new team or the absurdity of the other teams in their conference/division. It might change the face of the NBA forever, but I do not know what to expect, which makes it all the more exciting.
Kentucky Basketball Fans: Some sort of stress relief mechanism when they find out Calipari did something illegal again
Remember The great Memphis and UMass teams Calipari had in the past who played in Final Fours and all that? Well technically none of it ever happened. It is because Calipari is so dirty he needs to be a politician in Chicago. Seriously, he might bring you success and money, but in the long term, those recruiting sanctions and voided appearances will kill your basketball program. I understand Kentucky’s tradition being from Indiana, but there is going to be hell in Lexington when Big Blue’s faithful find out that the last 3 years really set them back despite the quality on the court.
Redskins Fans: Where do I start? Give them anything and it is an improvement
After Monday Night’s game I am not sure things could get worse. Get them a QB, get them a healthy RB, get them a bigger physical receiver, get them better defensive backs to go with their good offensive line, get them anyone to go alongside London Fletcher, give them anything. This once proud franchise has been reduced to Notre Dame status. Fans have to remember the old days because they have had nothing to cling to in recent memory. At least they also got Mike Shanahan as an early present.
Charles Barkley: A Filter
Actually, I take that back, we all enjoy filter-less Chuck, so instead let’s make it “a lack of censorship”.
The Big Ten: Notre Dame
Ok, so it will not happen but it would be great for the Big Ten if it were to happen. Huge money inflow and that 12th team the big 10 is looking for. Keep dreaming Big Ten, but it would be one great gift if it were to happen.
College Football: A National Championship Playoff Series
Yes, every year Christmas comes around it means time to bash the BCS. However, I am here to build up, not breakdown, so without further ado, I reveal my idea for a Playoff in College Football without losing all the bowl revenue. My idea comprises of a 6 team playoff with the top 6 BCS rated teams getting those bids. That is right, the BCS can even keep its mark on the National Championship even with the playoff series. Why 6 you ask? Well the National Championship venue can continue to rotate and each week you hold the game at one of the four current BCS Bowl venues. That can obviously rotate too, but for example, the #3 and #6 team would play in the Sugar Bowl with the #4 and #5 seeds playing in the Orange Bowl. The lowest seeded winner advances to play the #1 seed in the Fiesta Bowl and the other winner plays the #2 seed in the Rose Bowl. You keep the Bowl games with intriguing matchups, and plenty of profit to go around. If there is too much concern about extending the season 3 games, then another possibility would be to cut out a non-conference game and go to more of a postseason tournament look with corporate sponsors instead of the multitude of bowl games. You can keep all the teams involved that were before, keep the BCS revenue-monsters happy, and even keep the BCS rating system in place without really too much rearranging. I think it is a winner. If you see problems, feel free to comment but I think it is a solid outline that solves the problems and does not create anything too drastically new.