My world has been rocked to its very core. In the recent SNL season premiere, Amy Poehler’s monologue involved a wacky anxiety dream that included a nervous
breakdown, a polar bear, and……… Jimmy Freaking Fallon. I feel like I’m in a similar nightmare, one where Mark Sanchez actually proved his performance against the Pats was not a fluke. I don’t know what to do with my life.
I’m only half-joking. The Sanchize has bee the epitome of a Fallon for this column, but apparently he’s decided to watch Anchorman and get a few pointers. Along with the usual suspects, Sanchez has performed as well as anyone.
How do we handle this news? Optimistically. He’s shown in consecutive weeks that he can perform well. Feel free to use him with caution, because he could revert back to Dirty Sanchez status at any moment.
QB: Matt Schaub (HOU). Schaub had a bad week against the Cowboys on the surface due to the score and his interceptions. But if you look closely, he had a good completion percentage despite being harassed by the Cowboys pass rush (mostly DeMarcus Ware) for 4 sacks. I don’t see the same amount of harassment coming from the Raiders nor do I see the men in silver and black stopping any facet of the Texans offense. This is still one of the best teams in the league, despite the week 3 loss.
Other options: Giant Testicle (SD), Donavan McNabb (WAS), Jay Cutler (CHI)
(Last week: Favre vs. DET…23-34, 201, 1 td, 2 int)
RB: Ricky Williams (MIA). This week 4 matchup between the Dolphins and Patriots is going to play out, coincidentally, like the movie Rocky IV. In this scenario, I have Ricky playing the role of Rocky, the Patriots defense is Drago, and the Soviet Union is every Pats fan. Also, it’s entirely possible injury-prone Ronnie Brown will get knocked out of this game at some point, thus making him the perfect Apollo Creed. Actually, it’s more fitting if the Buffalo Bills are Apollo Creed, who are the amiable division rivals with the Fins and lost a crushing game to the Pats last week. So let’s go with that: Rocky/Ricky/Dolphins wants to avenge the death of Creed/Bills, who lost his life in a recent fight with the heartless Drago/Pats.
Drago dominates the early part of his match with Rocky, but eventually the tides turn in Rocky’s favor (here is where Ricky will take over). The Soviet fans turn on Drago for struggling (sounds like Pats fans right now), and Drago gets fed up and nearly strangles his trainer, saying he only fights for himself (an obvious reflection of the rift with the players/Brady getting mad at Pats fans for leaving early). You know the rest: Rocky defeats Drago and essentially ends the Cold War. I doubt Ricky will end any wars with his big plays, but I’m sure fans everywhere will have to respect the 2-1 Dolphins now, myself included.
Other options: DeAngelo Williams (CAR), Maurice Jones-Drew (JAC), Shonn Greene (NYJ)
(Last week: Turner vs. NO…30 rush, 114 yds, 1 td, 2 rec, 11 yds)
TE: Vernon Davis (SF). I am riding this Niners bandwagon when everyone is going to jump off. I don’t care if they have stunk up the joint like Jack Black after a huge dump. Either this thing is going to miraculously jump back on the tracks, or I’m going to go down with it in a fiery crash. Maybe they will replace Alex Smith or make a change with the offensive coordinator issues, but I see this offense getting their stuff together this week versus Atlanta. The Falcons gave up a ton of passing yards against the Saints. Now I know comparing Smith and Brees is like comparing apples and sex, but for some insane reason, I predict the offense having a big week and Vernon being a big contributor.
Other options: Eddie Royal (DEN), Dallas Clark (IND), Mario Manningham (NYG)
(Last week: Garcon vs. DEN…injured, didn’t play. I sincerely apologize for this one. I should have waited for the injury report. If it’s any consolation, the same analysis could have applied to Austin Collie, who had a monster game.)
QB: Michael Vick (PHI). The guy has played about as well as you could ask for. And with the way David Garrard’s been playing, could Kevin Kolb end up in Jacksonville? Vick has looked that dominant, granted against not-so-stellar teams. He will be faced with his first real test this week when he goes up against Washington. The Skins defense looked bad against the lowly Rams, but Vick has to show his weaknesses at some point right? Two full games of game tape should come in handy for Mike Shanahan as he comes up with a game plan to stop Vick. Or am I just grasping at nonexistent straws?
Other options: Mark Sanchez (NYJ), Joe Flacco (BAL), Matt Ryan (ATL)
(Last week: Giant Testicle vs. SEA…29-53, 455, 2 td, 2 int)
RB: Matt Forte (CHI). The Bears are for real, I guess. Matt Forte isn’t, though. I don’t like him at all as a fantasy option, especially this week against the Giants. I am overlooking the fact that the Giants are playing more like Gnats as of late, but nonetheless, I still have questions for this Bears team. It seems improbable that they will keep the momentum going, doesn’t it? Jay Cutler has to show his mortality sometime. This is a risky choice in Forte, but I’d stay away.
Other options: Peyton Hillis (CLE), Cedric Benson (CIN), Darren McFadden (OAK)
(Last week: B. Jackson vs. CHI…7 rush, 12 yds, 4 rec, 27 yds)
WR: Calvin Johnson (DET). I made this choice for two reasons: 1. the Packers corners will lock onto Megatron all game, and 2. if Jahvid Best can get going on the ground again, that means less chances for Johnson to shine. Plus, Megatron hasn’t gotten more than 56 yards in any of the first three games. Chalk it up to a bad QB, but the numbers don’t lie.
Other options: Anquan Boldin (BAL), Reggie Wayne (IND), Hines Ward (PIT)
(Last week: CAR Smith vs. CIN…3 rec, 22 yds)